In this life, we're all pulled in different directions. You know what I mean. In the office, several emails enboldened "Urgent" beckons for your attention. Your handphone is ringing. Your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend and needs a crying shoulder and a listening ear. Your colleague passes you a stack of backlog documents to clear. When you reached home, your mom reminded you of the letters accumulated over the last few days. CPF and bank statements, handphone and credit card bills, GSS promotions, reservist call-ups.... And you know what, it never ends.... in fact, it gets more.... it all piled up. There's no escaping from this endless items that 'demands' your immediate attention. Thats why they say, multi-tasking is not an option... anymore. Even our job nature is no longer like that of the days of our grandparents or even parents. No longer we can be skilled in just one area of expertise and believe it will get us by. It doesn't work that way. Having knowledge a single financial product is not enough.... stocks, bonds, equity-linked notes, warrants, CFDs, interest-rate derivatives.... sometimes you wonder why God doesn't put more GBs in your memory and install an insatiable thirst for life in your hard disk to 'fulfil' your duties as a dilligent worker, dependable friend, obedient child and a dedicated church member. How come you feel tired of all this, you wonder? If God come to give life in abundance, how come that zest never seems to stay? Why aren't people consistent with what they say vs what they do? No wonder it's hard to trust people words. It's just that people fail to live up to their promises and expectations. They say one thing and do another. We're living in a world marked with confusion and busyness that in the words of Pukitzer Prize winning author Anna Quindlen, "it is so easy to exist instead of live."
Overheard one day in an office cubicle at 10pm, "Daniel, can you send my DNA to one of those U.S Genetics Lab. I need a clone to finish all the work that I have to do!"
Why do you have mood swings? How come you can be so enthusiastic over something and lose all interest the next moment? How come you can be so crazy over a person one minute and the waters become so mysteriously still the next?
It's no wonder that we've become more indecisive as the days goes by. It's hard to live a life centred on deep-seated principle and values, as advocated by Stephen Covey. You're torn between choices, each seem to be no less urgent or significant than the other. You've a BBQ gathering this weekend with classmates you haven't seen in years. But you have an evening Biblical class this Sunday. You're caught in two minds. Your heart is wrenched. God, teach me... let me have your wisdom in making the right decisions.
I wished I've been more resolute and sure of some the decisions I made. But life is such that God sometimes led you to hold His Hand and trust Him to show you the way out.
"Above all else, guard your heart". We usually hear this with the sense of "keep an eye on that heart of yours". Others may interpret that to believe our hearts are inherently evil, so they lock up their hearts and dump the key to avoid trouble and get on with living. But that isn't the spirit of that command; it says guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life, because it is a treasure and everything else depends on it. It's like God entrusting to a close friend something precious and dear to Him, "Be careful with this - it means a lot to me."
But many people doesn't think twice about guarding their hearts. We might as well leave our life savings on the seat of a car and leave the the windows unwinded - we are that careless with our hearts. Ray Orbison sang, "If not for my careless heart". My faith would be much deeper. My relationships so much better. I would be further along in my career.
All sorts of damage has been done to your heart over the years, all sorts of terrible things taken in. How many times have you said to yourself, "Ya, I should've known better". "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12). Certainly there's disappointments in your life. "Even in laughter the heart may ache" (Proverbs 14:13), which is to say, things may look rosy on the outside but on the inside, it's in turmoil.
We're told to "trust in the Lord" with all our hearts (Proverbs 3:5) but honestly, we find it hard to do. Does trust come easily for you? Oh, I would love to trust God wholeheartedly. How I wish we can all do that, wholeheartedly, without a hint of doubt or uncertainty. Why is it almost second nature to worry about our career, our future, our life? Then we also told to love one another deeply, "from the heart" (1 Peter 1:22), but that's even more rare. Why is it so wasy to get angry at, ot to resent, or simply grow apathetic towards the very people we once loved? The answers lie in the recesses of our hearts. "For it is with your heart that you believe," Paul says in Romans 10:10. Proverbs 20:5 read "The heart of a man is lke deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out." Our deepest convictions - the ones that really shape our lives - are down there somewhere at the bedrock of our hearts.
I expect all of us at one time or another have said," Well part of me wants to, and another part of me doesn't." You know the feeling - part of you pulled east, part of you pulled west. Part of me enjoys writing and genuinely looks forward to sharing life's little excerpts and insights. But not all of me. Sometimes I'm also afraid of it. Part of me fears that I will fail to deliver up to expectations, simply stating what's painfully obvious without adding any value whatsoever, or saying something incoherent. I'm drawn to it, and I also feel ambivalent about it. Come to think of it, I feel that way about a lot of things. Part of me wants to go all out and explore the world, take the risks, dive in, enjoy what life has prepared for me. Part of me wants to stay with the familar, feel safe and secure. One part says, "Stay away - you'll get hurt". Another part says, "Maybe God is going to come through for me." Yet another voice rises up and echoes, "You're on your own."
Don't you feel sometimes like your heart is divided? Don't you hate the feeling of not knowing what the future entails? No wonder fortune-tellers and psychic is a never dying trade, highly sought after by the masses. Sometimes, don't you wished you had been more decisive and more of a risk-taker?
Take your little phobias? Why are you afraid of heights or flying cockroaches or intimacy or public speaking? All the preaching and convincing wouldn't get you to jump off a bridge attached to a bungee rope, share your testimony on the pulpit on Sunday. Why do you hate it when people touch you or criticize you? And what about the little idiosyncrasies you simply can't give up to save your life? Why are you obsessed with the dirt in your house? Why do have to work so many hours? Why do you get irritated at these questions? You won't step out of your house unless you are satisfied by what you see in the mirror. Other women don't mind being seen in their grubbies. You clean and organize; you demand perfection - did you ever wonder why?
A war is constantly waged within our hearts, the new one and the old nature. Part of me doesn't want to love my 'neighbour', not when she bad-mouthed me to my bosses. Part of me knows that prayer is essential; another part of me would rather turn on the TV and tune in to my favourite show. And that whole chunk about long-suffering - No Way! Part of me just want to stay within my comforts. It's my battle with the flesh. We all know that battle well. And it's personal. Your friends can't fight it for you. Your pastors can offer counsel. How much do you want to win it?
When we say,"Well, part of me wants to and part of me doesn't", there's something else we are describing here.... everything is going well for you, and then - boom. Something suddenly brings you to tears or brings your blood to boil, makes you depressed or anxious and you cannot say why.
I'll tell you why. We are not wholehearted.
When Isaiah talks about the brokenhearted, it is not a metaphor. In Hebrew, it is leb shabar (leb for "heart", sharbar for "broken"). Isaiah uses the word shabar to describe a bush whose "twigs are dry, they are broken off" (Isaiah 27:11). God is saying this, "Your heart is now in many pieces. I want to heal it."
The heart can be broken - literally. Minds can be broken - or what are mental instituitions for? Will can be broken too. When you see pictures of P.O.W, their eyes are downcast; something in them is defeated. They will do whatever they are told. Perhaps we have overlooked the fact that this treasure called the heart can also be broken, has been broken and now lies in pieces. When it comes to habits we cannot quit or patterns we cannot stop, anger that flies out of nowhere, fears we cannot overcome or weaknesse swe hate to admit - much of what troubles us comes out of broken places in our heart crying out for relief.
Was watching Protege today; a film about the drug supply chain and it also illustrates the struggle of a pair of husband-wife drug addicts to kick their habit. They, too are torn between indulging in the high of a dose and then waking up next day penniless with no food to eat vs taking the hard route to breaking free of the craving once and for all. It's a physical and mental torment between taking on a new life and letting go of the past. The squirming, quivering, it's painful just watching it. But the problem is they can't help themselves.They are prisoners of their minds. The wife needs someone to tie up her arms and legs when the unbearable withdrawal symptoms sets in.
The lead actor, an undercover agent working for a heroin wholesaler, gave this comment at both the start and end of the movie, "Why do people take drugs? After the deaths of Fen and Kun I finally realise. It's because of emptiness in their hearts. So which is worse? The drugs or the emptiness?"
You decide.
